Part 7: Building Blocks for More Healthy Relationships

To conclude our mini-series on ‘Building Blocks for More Healthy Relationships’, it would be helpful to discuss how individuals can better maintain a healthy relationship once the couple have achieved success in their goals for the romantic partnership.  As mentioned in previous articles, relationships take work and maintenance; periodical check-ins and tune ups are highly encouraged for couples who wish to have a face lift from time to time.  I professionally believe that the more that couples are willing to adapt and grow together the more successful they will be at having a fulfilled and healthy relationship through the years. 

Dr. Suzanne Fremont (Building a Healthy Relationship from the Start, The University of Texas at Austin Counseling and Mental Health Center) lists eight easy to follow steps which can help guide a couple to better maintenance for a healthy relationship.  I encourage you keep some, if not all, of these steps in mind while you continue your journey towards a more buoyant relationship.  Don’t be discouraged if you and your partner need to revisit some of the below mentioned steps.  As mentioned, relationships are a working progress and sometimes more time and energy will be needed on certain areas depending on your strengths and shortcomings as a unit. 

1. Remember that negotiation is key to the survival of a relationship.  Enter the relationship knowing that might be significant differences in each other’s opinions, values or beliefs.  I encourage you to be mindful and loving towards your counterpart when such differences arise.  Additionally, keep in mind that the end goal should be the growth of the unit as a whole, not who is right/wrong or better/worse. If such differences are significant enough to cause a disruption in the harmony of the couple, I encourage to seek professional counseling sooner as opposed to later.  Do not wait till the relationship is on the brink of breakup before getting assistance from a professional.

2. Understand and appreciate that fact that your partner will not be able to meet all of your needs as an individual.  No two people are alike and it is unhealthy to assume that your partner should enjoy a particular activity just because you do.  I love my boyfriend but that does not mean that I will play video games and talk about motorcycles all day with him.  Maintaining and nurturing friendships outside of the relationship is expected and is a healthy way to get your social and bonding needs met.  After all, we are social beings. 
3. It is unfortunate to say but too often I see couples that after some time together get lost in the relationship.  In other words, there is no distinction between ‘you’ and ‘me’, instead there is a ‘we’.  ‘We’ have goals, ‘we’ make plans, ‘we’ believe…be mindful and respective of what you and your significant other want from the relationship as well as what you want for yourselves.  It is important to have both personal and relationship goals as it helps to keep the healthy distinction between the ‘you’, ‘me’ and ‘we’. 
4. It is safe to assume that your partner will not be able to provide you the things you want as soon as want them; some things might take more time to provide while others not so much.  Once again, this is where compromise and negotiation will help the relationship.
5. My mother used to tell me ‘Amanda, treat people the way you want to be treated’.  I believe that there are more people who would benefit society as well as themselves if they took heed to such advice.  Imagine how you want your partner to treat you; I am sure it involves ideas such as love, respect, appreciation and trust.  Make sure to practice what you preach and only request things which you would be willing to also provide. 
6. Communication is vital for any type of relationship.  Verbalize your needs to your partner.  Make sure to do so in a mindful and respective manner, demanding will get you nowhere. 
7. There is no such thing as ‘the perfect person’.  There will be differences between your idyllic partner and who you actually have a relationship with.  On again, demanding will get you nowhere; requesting your partner to change to meet your expectations is unhealthy and ultimately damages the partnership.  Work to understand and appreciate the differences between ‘the perfect person’ and reality. 
8. When disagreements arise, which they will, try to put yourself in your partners shoes for a change.  In other words, attempt to understand where they are coming from or their point of view in the matter.  I am not saying that you must agree with the other individual 100% of the time, in fact, I discourage that route.  However, if you are able to see the other person’s point of view you might be able to respect and better understand their differences.  As long as individual differences do not significantly impact the harmony of the relationship, mutual understanding and respect of personal dissimilarities is helpful for maintaining a health relationship.

Until next time--take care of yourself, take care of your mind.

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Amanda Burk, MA, LPC-Intern, LMFT-A

Supervised By: Tammy Fischer, MA, LPC-S, LMFT-S

“Each morning we are born again.  What we do today is what matters most.” – Buddha

Part 6: Building Blocks for More Healthy Relationships

Life would be too simple if every part of who we are and what we do were separated and wrapped all nicely with a little bow on it.  If everything were easier and less complicated life might be a lot easier to manage and go through.  But that isn’t life, is it?  Various parts of who we are and what we do are continuously influenced by another.  For example, it is a constant struggle for some to fully separate their personal from their professional lives.  When my boyfriend and I have an argument I will still show up to work with my ‘A game’ but I would be lying if I were to say that my mind wasn’t still trying to process the disagreement.  Just like individuals, relationships are influenced by outside pressures. 

Dr. Suzanne Fremont (Building a Healthy Relationship from the Start, The University of Texas at Austin Counseling and Mental Health Center) discusses 4 common outside pressures which tend to influence a relationship on a more regular basis than other stressors. 

•  Friends. Dr. Fremont states that sometimes there are certain individuals who seem to believe that "I have to give up all my friends unless my partner likes them as much as I do." However, it is the exact opposite that is true; in fact, giving up friends is actually harmful for both the individual and the relationship.  However, I must note that there are some circumstances in which ending a friendship for yourself (or your partner for that matter) is actually encouraged and OK. If your ‘friends’ continuously encourage you to do certain things that are harmful to yourself or the relationship then I would professionally recommend to drop the ‘friend’ like a hot sack of potatoes.  Of course, some things are easier said than done; it would be more difficult to end a friendship that has been around for some time or one that used to be healthy and happy.  In the same breath, it is important to keep in mind that your significant other may not enjoy your friends as much as you do; once again this is completely OK in a relationship.  If that is the case then it is best to discuss which friends you and your partner spend time with together and which friends that you see solo.  Personally speaking, some of my best nights are spent with just my girlfriends where I am free to let my hair down and do girly things with the added bonus of not worrying if my boyfriend is enjoying himself. 
•  Differences in Background. I personally believe that this has never been a more relevant stressor for relationships, especially in today’s day and age.  Thanks to the ability to travel, it is becoming more common for young adults to move away from their families of origin and start fresh somewhere else.  In fact, I have several friends who have packed up and left the state, and even the country, to start their lives and find a new place to call home.  With the world becoming more connected than ever before, it is safe to state that we are continuously meeting new people who have different experiences and upbringings than what one might be accustomed to.  Furthermore, we may find that our partners have different backgrounds than we personally do, especially if there are cultural or religious differences.  For example, what seems normal and expected for one partner may leave the other person surprised or vice versa.  Despite coming from same or dissimilar backgrounds, it is important for every couple to take the necessary time and energy to learn about the other and see what makes them who they are as a person.  Communication is key in this aspect, as your partner may have certain expectations of what a good partner, working professional, parent or even friend looks like.  Coming from a curious and non-judgmental place is good way to start these types of conversations. 
•  Your Partner's Family. For many of us, our families remain a significant source of emotional support as we grow through life. Our family members might assist use financially, emotionally and even physically in some cases.  Relationships wax and wane over time just as we each do as an individual.  During some portion of our lives our relationships with our families might be peaceful and nurturing; other times that may not be the case.  For example, there may be times when ‘your family knows best’ and offers you unsolicited advice on how you should handle your personal affairs with your partner.  Although this ‘advice’ might be coming from a place of well-meaning and good intentions, it may not be offered in such a friendly manner or you as a couple may not want to take heed to the advice. In such cases, Dr. Fremont states that ‘it's important that the two of you discuss and agree on how you want to respond to differing family values and support one another in the face of what can be very intense "suggestions" from family.’
• Time Together and Apart.  I personally, as well as professionally, believe that every couple should have time together and time apart from one another.  However, couples who enter my office sometimes fret of the notion ‘how much time should we spend together/apart?’  I sometimes find that one person in the relationship really takes it to heart when the other wants to have some alone time.  For certain individuals, they honestly believe that their partner must not care for them as much as they used to and that is the reason why they must want time alone.  From my professional experience, those set of beliefs do nothing but harm the relationship as a whole and ultimately push the other person away (especially when they come from a demanding or needy place).  Instead, it is important for the couple to ask themselves ‘how much time do we spend together and apart?’  In other words, what is it that works best for us as a couple and is it something that we can compromise and agree on?  This conversation should include topics such as what alone time means for each of you, what you each need and want from the relationship with regards to spent time together, as well as areas in which you believe there is room for compromise.

Until next time--take care of yourself, take care of your mind.

      ------------------------

      Amanda Burk, MA, LPC-Intern, LMFT-A

      Supervised By: Tammy Fischer, MA, LPC-S, LMFT-S

      “Each morning we are born again.  What we do today is what matters most.” – Buddha

Part 5: Building Blocks for More Healthy Relationships

Every person walks into a new relationship with a certain set of expectations for how the relationship should look and even how the other person should act.  In fact, researchers and mental health professionals have concluded that our expectations for romantic relationships can be influenced by our family, personal experiences in previous romantic interactions or even the media.  In fact, it is difficult to begin a new relationship without having expectations; what is important to keep in mind is setting healthy expectations apart from problematic expectancies in a committed relationship. 

Dr. Suzanne Fremont (Building a Healthy Relationship from the Start, The University of Texas at Austin Counseling and Mental Health Center) mentions 6 distinguishing factors between healthy and problematic expectations which can be helpful for couples who are trying to better nourish and develop their relationship.

· Maintain the Relationship.  Like any type of equipment purchased, relationships also need regular maintenance and balancing.  Yes, things might be peachy keen in the beginning (after all it isn’t called the honeymoon stage for nothing) however relationships take work, healthy compromises and expectations.  One of the worst things a couple can do is become stagnant in the relationship and not change with the times.  I am not talking about big maintenances, instead little ones that help to sustain happiness and growth.  Just as my mother used to tell me ‘it is the little things that should matter, something small that he does that just makes life a little easier and brighter.’

· Accept Differences. This is a big one for most- if not all of us. No two people are alike and neither are their opinions, beliefs and values.  However, there are some couples who come to expect that their partner will change only in the particular ways in which they want them to change (i.e. being more clean, eating more healthy, being less/more social, wanting to do yoga because you like it).  On the other side of the spectrum, other couples may hold the unhealthy expectation that their significant other may never change from the exact person they are when the relationship is ignited.   Obviously, neither of those expectations are healthy for any relationship, much less one that is in its beginning stages.  A more realistic expectation would be to accept the differences in each of you and learn to grow and change together. 

· Respect Your Partner's Rights. Dr. Suzanne Fremont states that ‘in healthy relationships, there is respect for each partner's right to have her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions.’  People who believe that their partner should have the same interests, beliefs or even types of friends is simply unrealistic and damaging for any bond between two people. 

· Respect Changes. As mentioned before, changes occur and are expected in any type of relationship; that is what people do, they grow and change.  It is important to start a new relationship while keeping change and growth in mind; professional/personal goals, opinions wants and even feelings of love and intimacy will change with time.  Coming from a mutual place of love and respect is most needed when dealing with changes in the relationship.

· Be Prepared to "Fight Fair." People are not programmed to get along 100% of the time; disagreements and differences in opinions are healthy for relationships to develop and grow.  However, there is a difference between fighting and ‘fighting fare.’  Couples who argue in a negative manner tend to point blame to the other person instead of admitting when they did something wrong and owning up to their own responsibilities.  Seeking healthy compromise and being able to admit fault when needed is part of ‘fighting fair’ and managing healthy expectations in the relationship.

· Express Wants and Needs. Unless you are a mind reader, communication is key during any stage of a relationship.  Verbally expressing your wants and needs are vital survival skills for partnerships, after all we are social beings.  Expressing your wants and needs is key to maintaining healthy expectations for yourself as well as for your partner. 

Until next time--take care of yourself, take care of your mind.

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Amanda Burk, MA, LPC-Intern, LMFT-A

Supervised By: Tammy Fischer, MA, LPC-S, LMFT-S

“Each morning we are born again.  What we do today is what matters most.” – Buddha

Part 4: Building Blocks for More Healthy Relationships

As many of you may be well aware, couples will argue and disagree from time to time.  One of the amazing things about humans is that we are all unique with our own personal set of beliefs, values, morals and opinions about life. When a couple initially comes in for therapy and states to me that they "don’t want to argue anymore," I tend to rebuttal with the fact that disagreements are something that all relationships have.  In fact, they are quite normal and help to strengthen the bond between the couple. 

It is a fact of life that nothing lasts forever; there are times when we are happy and content with our loved ones and other times when we are more sad, angry or resentful towards our partner.  According to Dr. Suzanne Fremont (Building a Healthy Relationship From the Start, The University of Texas at Austin Counseling and Mental Health Center), there are a plethora of reasons of why couples argue; some of those issues may be realistic while others may be unrealistic.  However, what is most important is the actual resolution itself as it involves healthy communication and the exchange of feelings which revolve around honesty and trust. Thankfully, Dr. Suzanne Fremont has done some groundwork and has provided some healthy starter tips for those who wish to learn how to argue—and more importantly, reconcile—in a positive manner.

1) Do more than simply hear one another, try to actively listen to your partner with an open mind.  There are some simple tools to help become a better listener; try not to interrupt your partner when they are attempting to get a point across to you, really focus on what your partner is trying to communicate—as opposed to only half listening and instead give more energy to what your response is going to be and lastly try to recap what you’re partner has said before you start with your defense (i. e. ‘what I hear you saying is…’ or ‘what you’re trying to tell me is…’).

2) Agree to disagree. There are some values and opinions which we hold on so very tightly to that there may be little room for compromise or to change your mind altogether.  When this occurs, it is best to agree to disagree and move forward in the relationship as opposed to having the same argument time and time again.  However, if the difference in opinions is so tremendous and involves a change of pace—for the worse of course—within the relationship then it might be best to seek the assistance of a marriage and family therapist.  

3) Restrain yourself. It is not always helpful to say all the angry, and sometimes hurtful, things which runs through our minds during an argument.

4) Discuss one thing at a time.  It may be easy and tempting at times to release all your upset feelings at one time or in one argument.  However, this will only prolong the disagreement and potentially make the couple lose focus of why the argument originally started. 

5) Establish an atmosphere of emotional support.  Acceptance is the main key to building atmosphere which is emotionally supportive.  Being tolerant of your partner’s differences in opinion is often healthier than demanding that your partner meet you where you are at.  Additionally, a couple is going to have a much more productive and healthy disagreement if they are able to establish emotional support with one another.  

6) Clarify your message.   When arguing it is important to be direct with your partner in a respectful manner.  Too often, couples will beat around the bush with one another as opposed to really getting their message across.  For example, it would be more helpful to say exactly what you are wishing the other to do (i. e. ‘I wish you would help out with the house chores more’) as opposed to a more ambiguous statement (‘I wish you were a tidier person like I am’.)

7) Understand each other’s family patterns.  As I have stated before, I like to view ourselves as being defined by the systems in which we operate (i.e. our family, friends, work and hobbies are all considered to be core systems of our daily functioning).  It would be wise for a couple to sit down and have an open discussion on how conflict was initiated, addressed and resolved in their family of origin.  If a partner’s family was good at communication and resolving conflict, it might be helpful to draw upon their structure to help incorporate their positive points into the relationship.  On the other hand, if the family of origin was not good at practicing open communication and conflict resolution, then by all means try new and helpful ideas to help build upon the communication areas which are lacking. 

8) Adopt a win-win position.  Remember that when arguing it is unhelpful for a goal to be to win the actual disagreement; at the end of the day it is not about who 'won' and who 'lost.'  What is important is the relationship as a whole and staying together to work through an issue in a helpful and meaningful manner.

9) Distinguish between wants vs. needs. There is a tremendous difference between the two.  You know yourself better than anyone else; therefore take some time to ask yourself if this is something you need or want from your partner.  Always remember that your significant other may not always be able to provide you with your ‘wants’ but in a healthy relationship should be there for the ‘needs’.

10) Timing counts.  Resolving an argument may not need to happen immediately.  In fact, it might be helpful for each partner to take some time to process the incident as opposed to continue fighting and say or do things which may be difficult or impossible to undo.  A time out period if also a good time to collect ones thoughts and come back once they have clarified to themselves what they are actually trying to communicate. 

Until next time--take care of yourself, take care of your mind.

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Amanda Burk, MA, LPC-Intern, LMFT-A

Supervised By: Tammy Fischer, MA, LPC-S, LMFT-S

“Each morning we are born again.  What we do today is what matters most.” – Buddha

Part 1: Building Blocks for a More Healthy Relationship